Lent Day 21: Go Ahead. Say it Out Loud

 While I kept silent, my body wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. 
~Psalm 32:3-4

Psalm 32 is one of the penitential psalms. Unlike the others, though, it isn't a present tense, God-forgive-me-for-this-now type of psalm. Instead, it's a narrative about the joys of being forgiven. 

In the lines I've shared above, the psalmist is recounting a memory of a time when they were trying to hide themselves from God--when they were oppressed by the guilt they felt, and felt the pressure of that building up inside.The guilt sapped their strength. It felt like a weight, the heavy hand of God upon them.

Then the psalmist describes how incredible it felt to let it out--to say to God, yes, I acknowledge it: I sinned. I did. And God forgave, which seems to be the very nature of God. 

I don't believe we are able to hide ourselves from God. (There's another psalm, pointing that out. You can find it here.) I tend to assume God knows everything I do, the good, the bad, and the ugly. My experience isn't of trying to build up the courage to confess to God what I've done (or left undone). But I do sometimes have to ask God for help in dealing with the aftermath of what I've done. 

A while back a friend told me we were no longer friends. I was stunned. The ex-friend made the case that I hadn't been available to them; that our friendship seemed only about my needs, and not theirs. I recognize now that I had stopped putting in the effort to connect with this friend by picking up or answering the phone, by texts or emails, or any number of things I could have done to bridge the physical distance between us. (My ex-friend used to be local, but now they live at a distance).They were hurt, and they are not able to forgive me. 

This continues to weigh heavily on me. I pray for this friend, not in the hopes of resuming the friendship, but just because they were such a good friend to me. They were there for me at one of the most fraught, intense times in my life. I want them to have a happy life, abundant life, always. It's between God and me now, to stitch back together the pieces of my torn up heart, and God is good at that. Healing the brokenhearted and binding up their wounds is a specialty. 

But I have learned my lesson. When I love someone, I say it out loud and I do my best to live it. I reach out. I make myself available. I try not to let too much time go by. I try to be the friend I should have been to my ex-friend. I try to be better. And God can help me with that.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.