Lent Day 2: Anger

Then Moses turned again to the Lord and said, “O Lord, why have you mistreated this people? Why did you ever send me? Since I first came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has mistreated this people, and you have done nothing at all to deliver your people.” ~Exodus 5:22-23

I left our Ash Wednesday service last night filled with love. 

O so I thought, until a I saw a car ahead of me that was stopped where it shouldn't be--on a busy street that has no parking--not because it was an emergency, but.............

Actually, I have no idea why they were stopped. All I know is that it was an inconvenience that tapped right into my own personal simmering cauldron of rage. I was angry.

And immediately the cognitive dissonance of that moment was very, very clear to me, and I breathed, and breathed some more, and thought, 

Way to go pastor.

I have a short fuse. Very short. In most areas of my life, I can manage it, control it, and I'm betting this is at least a little surprising to most of my congregants, for example. 

Although, to be fair, a lot of them have seen Monster Pastor on social media. So, maybe it's not as well-kept a secret as I think?

Here's the thing: I do not feel entitled to my anger at all. My anger has no rightful place in my life, at least, the anger that rises up in the quotidian interactions we all have with ourselves and the world (and cars that are parked where they shouldn't be.) I am ashamed of it, because I know it is usually way out of proportion to the harm (or perceived possibility) of harm done.

That's not entirely true when it comes to, let's say, dreadful politicians who put personal wealth and power above the common good. I feel COMPLETELY entitled to my anger at them. But even in that arena, I sense that my anger isn't necessarily a force for good. It certainly doesn't change a single unjust thing.

This morning, during my prayer, I decided I wanted to try to deal with my anger, to understand it better. This morning's passage from Exodus contains a LOT of anger: Pharaoh angry at the Hebrews; the Hebrews furious with Moses, and, finally, Moses royally pissed at God. I guess all that anger pinged something in my brain that led to me wanting to understand myself better, and maybe diffuse this, or at least re-direct it. 

Then, at the end of my prayer time, I pulled out today's card from my devotional*, and it said:

REMINDER FOR THE DAY

We are safe 
to bring our
anger and fear
to God.

And there it was. I had that hairs-standing-up-on-the-back-of-my-neck feeling, that feeling you get when things converge, and who you are and what you are experiencing and scripture and resources you have made available to yourself are all whispering (or speaking, or yelling) the same thing at you.

And let me not skate past the ever helpful reminder that anger is nearly always about fear. They are twins, close as the two sides of a coin, and to understand one, we have to understand the other.

So, my work is cut out for me. And the universe seems ready to help.

~~~

Throughout Lent I will be trying to write here. No promises of every day, but a sincere effort, that I do promise. Some of the thoughts I will be sharing will reflect the themes suggested by @sanctifiedart's Lenten series "Full to the Brim," I will indicate these by use of *. Today I made reference to their Lenten Devotional. It is really lovely.