 |
| Peaceful. Hopeful. |
I am terrible at waiting. Terrrrrrrible.
This trait shows up most noticeably in relationships... if I should happen to think (imagine) someone is angry with me. A bunch of years ago, I received an email that indicated that someone thought I was angry with them (I wasn't! I had no idea what was going on!). So, I called their home phone, and left a message. Then I called their cell phone, ditto. Then I sent them an email. Finally, when the rest of the day--hours and hours-- had passed and I hadn't heard from them, I drove to their house to see them. They weren't there, so I left a message in their mailbox.
To be clear, I wanted to make sure they knew I wasn't mad, but of course, the worst part was, it was pretty clear they were upset. Mad. Angry, and I had to wait. And wait. And wait. In the end, I had to wait a whole 24 hours before we were able to connect by phone, and I had a chance to clear things up.
A whole 24 hours, I tell you.
That is my idea of hell. Waiting for someone I think (imagine) (know) is angry with me, to clear it up.
In case this has escaped your understanding, I really, really, really hate it when I think (imagine) (know) people are mad at me. It is soul-crushing.
So. I guess "waiting" might seem ancillary to the story, but waiting is the hardest part, as the great Tom Petty sang.
My poor waiting skills show up in other places, too. Waiting for decisions that other people are making. Waiting for test results. Waiting for the test itself. Waiting for the surgery to be over.
This morning my yoga teacher offered a meditative framing to the class that was designed to help with my issues around waiting. (I'm not sure she knew that directly, but what she did was perfect for me.) Among other things, at different times during the class, when we were holding different poses, she offered the suggestion that we find a mantra that might be helpful if tension or fear (or waiting) was causing stress. I came up with:
Peaceful/ Hopeful.
One challenge I have in my yoga class is something teachers of meditation call "monkey mind." It originates in Buddhism, and refers to a mind that is unsettled, or restless, or confused. The person with monkey mind (this person, me) experiences it as the mind latching onto whatever thoughts float by. So, during yoga, I might think ahead to what I will be writing about in my blog post, followed by where are my devotional cards this morning anyway? ... followed by thoughts of needing to clean off the dining room table from the papers that have accumulated there, followed by--
You get the drift. The mental dominoes that are the above may have taken a total of ten seconds to tip over, but the problem is, that's ten seconds I wasn't actually present to what I was doing at the moment. Yoga is about presence, because life is about presence.
And being present while waiting is excruciating (for me).
But today, while I'm waiting, I have a mantra. Peaceful. Hopeful.
Breathing in, Peaceful. Breathing out, Hopeful.
Waiting is definitely the hardest part.
But today, I can breathe in, Peaceful. I can breathe out, Hopeful.
I had long thought that I was just terrible at meditating because I find it impossible not to think. In some recent pieces I've read, though, I've learned that that is typical of my INFJ brain which is apparently wired in such a way that it is good at depth but doesn't ever turn off. I'm trying to find ways to channel thought that are helpful without beating myself up over not being able to just concentrate on breath.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that you have a yoga practice. I know many of my friends find it fulfilling. I hope that the blessings of peaceful/hopeful remain with you, especially when you need them the most.
Today in yoga I tried the counting breath during the final resting phase. I found it really helpful to quiet the mind (and I had gone into class very wired up from various concerns). It really helped.
ReplyDeletePeaceful/ Hopeful was very helpful yesterday! Thanks J. So good to connect here.