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| Saying "no" can be holy. |
Last night I said to someone, "No is a complete sentence."
They were sharing about the experience of being recruited for something they weren't sure they could do at this point in their life. They counted the ways it might not be the best thing for them.
My response (see above) was snarky, to be sure. But if there's one thing I can't abide, it's people not accepting "no" from people other who need to say it.
OK, so the above is hyperbole. There's plenty I can't abide. But I can count on one hand the times I have tried to persuade people to stay on a committee or board. Two. I can remember two occasions in the past seventeen-plus years as a pastor, twenty-three years serving in ministries of the church, when I tried to persuade someone not to step down.
The first was a board member who wasn't sure they were in step with the rest of the board. They often had a different take from the majority. They felt they were usually the lone voice speaking out against something everyone else was eager to do, and wondered aloud to me whether we should find someone more like-minded. I told them I valued that in them. I told them they were highly respected on the board, and that their words carried weight. In told them, even if the board voted differently than they would have liked, their views made a lasting impact. I told them, I didn't want a rubber stamp board, that diversity of opinions was critical. They stayed.
The second was someone who was feeling frustrated with the committee work. I tried to persuade them to stay for the sake of another member, whom I thought they could help. But in the end they chose to leave, and I supported it.
I support people stepping down from church leadership positions, because leadership is hard, and draining, and takes time away from other things, and I don't think any volunteer service should be a life sentence.
I'll say that a little louder.
No volunteer service should be a life sentence.
Today's devotional card from @sanctifiedart* reads,
REMINDER
FOR THE DAY
Saying
"no"
can be
holy.
The prayer goes on to pray for the ability to say "no" to things that "steal my joy, steal my energy, and steal my sense of self." Oh, Amen, and Amen.
May we all find within us the capacity to say a holy "no" for the sake of our well-being, our joy, our very selves.
*Throughout Lent I will be trying to write here--no promises of every day! Some of the thoughts I will be sharing reflect the themes of A Sanctified Art's Full to the Brim resources for Lent. I will indicate these by use of *. Today I mention the devotional, which is fantastic.
I'd be comfortable saying "no" more often if I thought (knew!) that the person wouldn't hate me forever afterward. (Speaking of hyperbole.) But in much of my early ministry, I had so little confidence, I kept saying "yes" (which then meant saying "no" to my family). I missed out on a lot back then, family-wise. I recently told someone that one thing they could look forward to in retirement was saying no more often, and without excuse. But we must learn that lesson way before retirement. Yes?
ReplyDeleteI worked with a pastor as a Christian educator who said to me one day, as I carried a pie into church, "Be sure you make some pies for home, too." That was the best advice she ever gave me. I made some decisions prioritizing ministry that cost me, personally, as I missed some sacred moments with family. I know better now, but it was a hard lesson.
DeleteI am getting up the energy/courage to end a chapter of volunteer service but it's hard to say that final "no" even though I know it is the right thing to do. Years ago, I took over facilitating a spirituality book study when the IHM who had started it decades before was called to take on different responsibilities. At the time, I said yes because I knew she needed me to, not because I felt called to it, but, over time, it worked out well. Our numbers had dwindled down to five, due to deaths and moves, but we had decided to carry on as we found our discussions so enriching. Two years ago, we had to shut down due to the pandemic. I'd been keeping the door open to returning, perhaps this spring, but we had a member pass away on Jan. 2 and another is 90+ and having health struggles. I know I need to permanently dissolve the group but am having trouble getting to the point of saying no to the two remaining members who I know have been missing it terribly. But "No volunteer service should be a life sentence", right?
ReplyDeleteNo volunteer service should be a life sentence. Sometimes saying "no" means something that was once enriching will go away. But it also opens up other opportunities (even for the two who will miss it). I encourage you to say that holy "no," when and if it seems right _for you_.
ReplyDelete