Lent Day 18: Rest

I knew on Friday something was off.

I was in one of my favorite spaces for working-- beautiful, serene, full of light-- and I was having a terrible time. I was trying to finish my meditation for Sunday, and I had all the attention span of an excited puppy, but with none of the energy. 

Writing sentences was like pulling my own teeth (without the pain but with all the effort). I knew I was excited about the passage--I'd had the most wonderful conversation about it with the Bible Study group earlier in the week. But I couldn't summon that excitement in the moment, and it felt like the task of Sisyphus to summon the willpower to keep going,

I am not very good at understanding when I am getting sick. Usually, if there's going to be a fever, I cry at some point, but I didn't cry. I just felt off, and found concentration very, very hard. I even attempted a nap, though anxiety about what I still had to do for Sunday wouldn't let it happen.

I was getting sick, but I was experiencing it as a moral failing. My body was sending me signals that all was not well physically, but I experienced it as failing at being productive. 

It took another 24 hours, and undeniable evidence of a virus, before I understood what was happening, and that I would not be capable of going to church on Sunday morning. 

It took another 6 hours after that to understand that I also wouldn't be capable of video-calling in to the service. 

And another 10 hours to finalize the last bit of coverage with a church member, which involved somehow breaking into my office to get a book for the Sunday School kids in Child Care.

This takes us up to 7 AM Sunday.

It was not lost on me, during all this, that our devotional cards seemed to be speaking directly to me. Here are the weekend's reminders for the day.

Friday:

Humans need seven
types of rest - creative,
emotional, mental, 
physical, spiritual,
social, and sensory.
Which of these areas
have you protected?
Which needs 
protecting?

Saturday:

Allow
yourself
space and
time to rest.

Sunday:

You are worthy
of Sabbath
time.

Monday:

Your worth is not
rooted in your
productivity.

(I include Monday in the "weekend" because I was still pretty weak, even though the symptoms had resolved on Sunday.)

I know I'm not unique in struggling with maintaining Sabbath time. Clergy are notoriously bad at this, though I have generally thought of myself as having a pretty reasonable work-life balance, and I also believe in it. It's not a suggestion to us; our sacred writings command it, not because God is a kill-joy, but quite the opposite. Human beings are deserving of rest.

Yet, it took me being confronted with incontrovertible evidence (fatigue and inability to focus, actual symptoms, worsening symptoms, new symptoms) to let go of plans, to share responsibilities, and, finally, to rest, which I began to do about 40 hours after the whole thing got rolling.

I couldn't let go of the idea that I was being self-indulgent.

I am incredibly fortunate in that I was able to share the resources to allow other people to step into my Sunday roles. I have fantastic colleagues in ministry and leadership who were happy to do whatever they could. I was able to message someone on Sunday morning to take care of that last bit of business, and they were happy to help. My direct deposit salary will be the same, despite the fact that I did not go to church on Sunday morning.

Not everyone has the kind of job where it works out this way. For most people missing work means  missed wages, and increased financial pressure, and the possibility of not making rent or the mortgage payment. The kind of work I do protects me from those kinds of outcomes due to a brief illness, but I know plenty of people for whom missing the main thing they are supposed to do that week means true financial hardship.

Not everyone does the kind of work that allows them the kind of rest Sabbath was meant to provide. I'm guessing, most people struggle to take Sabbath at all, and it has nothing to do with self-criticism and everything to do with a child's medical bills, or the heating bill, or being able to replace failing tires on the car.

Eventually, despite the way my brain was working against me, I was able to take the rest I needed, and I'm deeply grateful for it.

But our culture has made getting a three-day bug unaffordable for the vast majority of its workers, and that is a societal failing on the deepest level. 

We can do better. We must find a way for all people to find the space and time to rest. 

We must do better.

Full to the Brim devotional card,
from @sanctifiedart.

(PS, FYI, not Covid. Just your bog-standard bug.)